What I Learned From My Relapse: Real Stories of Eating Disorder Recovery

Eating disorder recovery is not a straight line from point A to point B. There will likely be some twists and turns along the way. How you learn from and choose to respond to these challenges is what makes all the difference.

A slip (repetitive eating disorder thoughts), lapse (isolated or short-term eating disorder behaviors) or relapse (eating disorder behaviors for a longer period of time) might happen at some point in the recovery process.

“Relapse can be part of the recovery journey,” shares Maggie Moore (she/her) , LMFT, national family outreach manager at Eating Recovery Center (ERC). “I like to compare the recovery journey to the board game Chutes and Ladders. Just like in the game, there are times when you climb up a ladder and move forward, feeling confident and grounded in your recovery. But there are also times when you slide down a chute, taking a few steps back and possibly experiencing a relapse. Every step, whether forward or backward, is an important part of your recovery journey.”

It’s so important to remember that stepping back does not mean failure. When faced with these parts of recovery, we can:

• Practice self-compassion.
• Ask for help. 
• Get matched with the exact support you need.
• Learn from challenges and missteps.

 

 

 

 

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Practice self-compassion

The eating disorder often serves a purpose – like providing protection, a sense of control, or comfort – and sometimes it can even come to feel like a part of who we are. There may be times in recovery that you “miss” the eating disorder, or that you find yourself thinking about all the ways it served you while not being able to acknowledge all the negative things it caused. This is a normal part of the recovery process.

It makes sense. Life is hard, especially for those in marginalized groups. It makes sense that we would look for comfort or a solution, and sometimes the eating disorder is what we move toward in those moments.

Lindsay H. (she/her), ERC alum, shares a bit about her experience:

“I can see that there were reasons I clung to the eating disorder. Those behaviors served a function, whether I was aware of it in that moment or not. Looking back at slips and relapses compassionately has helped me understand the legitimate needs I was trying to meet, and how I can attempt to meet those needs in more life-affirming ways.”

Eric Dorsa (they/them), ERC national recovery advocate, can relate, stating:

“I’ve learned to have a lot of compassion for myself in recovery for those moments when I reach toward what’s comfortable and familiar. I’ve had to have a lot of help from community to recognize that reaching for what is comfortable and familiar is the appropriate response when dealing with something new or something hard.”

Eric suggests honoring what purpose the eating disorder has served and then asking yourself, “Is it still serving me? At what cost?” For both Lindsay and Eric, when asking themselves this question, compassion was a key part of allowing themselves to reduce shame and to continue pursuing recovery.

Moore explains: “Remember that a relapse does not mean all is lost in your treatment and recovery journey. Instead, it is an opportunity to assess what additional support you might benefit from."

Ask for help

Sometimes we don’t know what led us to a relapse or how to move out of it; we just know we’re not doing well. In the experiences of Eric and Lindsay, both communicating about your feelings and asking for help from your trusted recovery supporters are part of resilient recovery.

When asked what steps she takes when noticing warning signs or red flags, Florence T. (she/her), ERC alum, said:

“Talking, talking, talking. It does not matter who to – it has been my mum, my best friend, my therapist, my dog. Saying it out loud makes it REAL. I have found, even when the person doesn’t reply – aka my dog – you realize how scary it is that it is coming back.”

“Once I was honest with myself, letting people in was an important next step,” Lindsay shares. “That has meant different things at different stages of my recovery: sometimes a treatment team, or sometimes supportive friends in my life. I’ve been told many times that I couldn’t recover in a vacuum, but I didn’t really understand the importance of other people until I started allowing them to come alongside me. There were many times that community was the biggest buffer between me and collapsing back into the eating disorder.”

“It’s not about how I feel, it's about how I'm doing,” notes Eric. “I reach out and ask for help again from the therapist who helped me get into treatment the first time. After that, I simply don’t try to fix it. I don’t try to solve it. I just say, ‘Hey, I don't think I'm doing so well,’ and I let them take over. It's OK to need help again. And it doesn't mean that I failed, and it doesn't mean that all of the recovery I had before that moment is gone.”

When we make the jump to ask for and accept help, what happens next? We use everything we’ve learned from our past experiences, and we allow others to help us dive deeper into understanding ourselves, what impacts us, and how to access the resources and skills that will help us live life in recovery. In Eric’s words:

“My friend Robyn tells me, ‘You are all the power you gave to your eating disorder.’ I know that's very scary, but you don't have to learn how to navigate or use that power by yourself. There's a whole world of people who are asking the same questions as you. Each time I went back to treatment it was because I needed help diving deeper.”

Get matched with the exact support you need

If you’re wanting to dive deeper and recommit to recovery – to be authentically you and connected to what matters most to you – having an assessment with one of our mental health professionals can be your opportunity to ask for and accept help – and to take your next step toward recovery. It is more than just a call, it’s meeting you where you are – your opportunity to be truly heard and understood.

Our team will listen, help you better understand what you’re going through and get you matched with the exact support you need. Our assessments have zero cost, require zero commitment, have zero pressure and include zero judgment. Compassion and curiosity are what we’re all about here. We want to know what is most important to you and how we can help you move toward that goal.

Get started.

Learn from challenges and missteps

If you struggle with wanting to do recovery “perfectly,” Florence has some wisdom to share:

“No one besides you expects you to do this perfectly.”

And the reality is that challenging that need for perfection is an important part of recovery in itself. Recognizing what makes us susceptible to a slip, lapse or relapse is an important part of growing through and from our imperfections.

We asked everyone what thoughts or behaviors have made them especially vulnerable to a relapse. Here is what they shared:

“Shame – thoughts and feelings of not being enough,” explains Eric. “Like (1) I'm not where I should be, (2) I'm not where others are and (3) I'm not what people want me to be or expect me to be. It's thoughts and feelings that are from a place of being critical. They set me up for reaching for comfort (the familiarity of the eating disorder behaviors) because they numb.”

“One of my main warning signs is isolation,” shares Lindsay. “Without people around me, I can start to believe that my thoughts about myself are reality. I can justify all kinds of self-destruction when it is just me in the darkness.”

“Change. Who likes it? Well, I have learned to…tolerate it,” states Florence. “The gaps between jobs, breaks in my work, holidays. Any time my routine changes, I have to remind myself to put on my oxygen mask first.”

Keep in mind that everyone’s recovery process is unique. Here, you’ll notice that Eric, Lindsay and Florence all had different types of experiences to share. There is no “one size fits all” when it comes to the development of eating disorders, what maintains them or how to treat them.

That said, identifying patterns can help you figure out your unique plan for recovery.

A word of hope: Looking forward to recovery

We know that recovery is possible. We asked Lindsay what she would say if she could go back and talk to her younger self when she was in the thick of her struggle. She shared:

“Your life in recovery will not be rainbows and sunshine perfection, but it will be deeply good. Some of the best gifts you’ll get are from laughing at silly jokes with your friends, swimming in a murky lake in the summer sun, making messy art late at night and eating really good food on vacation. You will be able to chase some of your deep life passions because your brain is functioning, and you will be able to be fully present for friendships.

“ But those things only come about because you refuse to believe that the eating disorder is going to be the story of your life. They only come because you choose, with whatever tiny spark of hope is still in you, to keep fighting. Both the bravest and the scariest thing you will do is ask for help, no matter how many times you have to ask. Because one day, you will reach the other side and not look back.”

Thank you to Eric, Lindsay and Florence. Your stories matter.

Clinically reviewed by Maggie Moore, MA, LMFT in March 2024.

Read these next:

Struggling With Food? When & How to Ask for Help 
Disordered Eating vs. Eating Disorders: What is the Difference?